Well, it is the holiday season so Family is something that is thought about. Coming together. A question keeps coming up for me about family...gotta love them, right? Or do you? I feel that I chose my family long before I entered this world. I'm not entirely sure the reasons or lessons behind that but I did choose them as my family. But does that mean that I have to continue to put up with them and love them unconditionally? There are days I'm torn because of different behaviors and comments and judgements I get from them. Is it me? Is it them? I don't know.
I do know this. Some of them lack common courtesy. As you know, Alexa's birthday was last weekend. I appreciate that my brother and sister showed up to the party. That was nice of them. The part I struggle with and its probably not a big deal but it bothered me is a simple common courtesy. My brother didn't even say hello to me and he definitely didn't say good-bye. I'm not sure if he said anything to Alexa. I did get to see my nephew, hold him, and sneak a few kisses on his little cheeks. So I am grateful for that. The next day, Sunday, I sent my brother a text message to tell him Thank You for his service to Our Country and to thank him for coming to the birthday party. It's been 3 days and I still haven't gotten a response and I know I never will. That makes me feel very much unimportant.
On this same topic, my sister also left the party early and didn't say good bye. That hurts my feelings. Am I not important enough to her either to say good-bye to? I knew she was driving to Seattle and I would have liked to talk to her before she left...to tell her to drive safe and to call me if she needed to talk to someone along the drive. But nope, she just left. Didn't say bye to Alexa either. Of course, Alexa notices but isn't really effected by it, however, I am. Similarly, I'll send a text and it is 50/50 on whether or not I get a response. And the responses I do get are vague and usually don't address the question I asked. Apparently sharing with me isn't something she wants to do. That's fine...just say that. Oh...wait, there was a time she did say something like that. She said that she doesn't mind sharing but not when she's questioned. Well, how do you know that I care enough to know if I don't ask? Lose/lose for me.
It may all seem petty but it effects me. It's a common courtesy in my mind. I'm sure my family doesn't mean anything by it but this is how I am and this upsets me. I'm pretty sure if I brought up my feelings about it I would be told that I am being too sensitive or similar. Maybe I am. But I also have years of various treatment and judgement that adds to it all. Like telling me how poor my choices are in men, as if I hadn't noticed myself. I get criticized for something like that and then they treat me just as harshly and these loser men. Seems fair.
I still love my family and I always will, regardless of how they treat me. I feel like the "black sheep" of the family most of the time. I don't really feel included even though I do get invited to family functions. It's the little things in between...the communication doesn't exist. Sometimes I wonder if some of it has to do with my status (single mom and bastard child)...my brother is married and has his little family and my sister is single. I don't really fit into either category. A majority of the times that Alexa and I spend with her grandparents are because I'm making the phone calls and arrangements.
Maybe its the season. Maybe its a combination of different emotions being stirred up. I don't know. But I feel like pulling away completely. It's hard to do that because Alexa loves them all SO much and asks about them daily. I feel relationships are a two way street...it helps to meet in the middle but there are times you have to do most of the walking to meet them. I'm just tired of doing all the walking or so it feels. So at this moment, feelings hurt, frustration growing...I'm throwing my hand's up and letting go. I want so badly to have strong, close, loving relationships with these people and they don't seem to want the same. I love you all and hope and pray that some day you can care about me as much as I care about you.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Country Radio
This is my warning...if you are feeling sad and blue, Do Not Turn On Country Radio. Or maybe you should....I thought I would share the lyrics of two songs that got to me last night. I don't believe in coincidence. These songs came on the radio for a reason, to share a message that I desperately needed to hear and of course, made me cry.
I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, just keep spinning down, 'round, down…
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
Walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free
When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new
It always winds up feeling more like a job interview
My momma used to wonder if she'd ever meet someone
Who wouldn't find out about me and then turn around and run
I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old
He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go
A few months later I remember lying there in bed
I overheard him pop the question and prayed that she'd say yes
And then all of a sudden
Oh, it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something's missing
To a family
Lookin' back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
I met the girl that's now my wife about three years ago
We had the perfect marriage but we wanted somethin' more
Now here I stand surrounded by our family and friends
Crowded 'round the nursery window as they bring the baby in
And now all of a sudden
It seemed so strange to me
How we've gone from something's missing
To a family
Lookin' through the glass I think about the man
That's standin' next to me
And I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
Lookin' back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
Yeah, I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
Because he didn't have to be
You know he didn't have to be
"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)" Gary Allan
I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, just keep spinning down, 'round, down…
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
Walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free
"He Didn't Have To Be" Brad Paisley
When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new
It always winds up feeling more like a job interview
My momma used to wonder if she'd ever meet someone
Who wouldn't find out about me and then turn around and run
I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old
He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go
A few months later I remember lying there in bed
I overheard him pop the question and prayed that she'd say yes
And then all of a sudden
Oh, it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something's missing
To a family
Lookin' back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
I met the girl that's now my wife about three years ago
We had the perfect marriage but we wanted somethin' more
Now here I stand surrounded by our family and friends
Crowded 'round the nursery window as they bring the baby in
And now all of a sudden
It seemed so strange to me
How we've gone from something's missing
To a family
Lookin' through the glass I think about the man
That's standin' next to me
And I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
Lookin' back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
Yeah, I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
Because he didn't have to be
You know he didn't have to be
Bitter Sweet
Alexa's birthday party went great. She was excited to have a pool party with her friends and to get all those presents and to have a Barbie Fairy cake with the correct number of candles. Yes, last year I forgot to get candles for her cake and used a number 3 candle. She definitely noticed and hasn't let me live it down all year. So this year she had 5 candles to blow out.
I am so happy to see her smiling and laughing and growing. She brings so much joy to my life. However, these last few days have been very emotional for me. I would say I'm not sure why but I have a few ideas as to what is contributing. One being Alexa's dad contacting her. I'm not angry with him anymore, I forgive him for his choices and actions but it makes me sad. It breaks my heart to see how excited Alexa gets from this package in the mail and then not another mention of her dad.
It really broke my heart and made me question so many things when she said something yesterday. We were at a team bonding for her Cheer Team. As we were getting ready to leave, one of the girls had some pizza left and I made a comment about how she could wrap it up and take it home to daddy for a snack. Alexa was sitting in my lap and must have thought I was talking to her because she sat up quickly, looked at me and very sternly said, "I don't have a daddy!" My heart sank at that moment because she does have one but he chooses not to be in her life. And at this moment, I choose not to go looking for a replacement. First because I am not looking for a man to be my daughter's father. I want someone in my life that is a partner to me. Someone that chooses to be a part of both our lives.
Either way, I have been emotional and thinking about a lot of things. I know I made the right choice to leave Alexa's dad. I question if I am failing her as a parent. She loves to be around her grandparents and friends that have a mom and a dad. All I ever truly wanted in life was to have a family, a mom, a dad, and my children. Now I fear dating completely and I need to LET GO of that and continue to live my life. Allow myself to find and to have happiness. I need to stop punishing myself for trying to make a better life for my daughter.
Another reason for all the emotions...Birthdays are a trigger. Ian's birthday was also his death day. So as joyous as birthdays are, they are also a moment of mixed emotion for me. The year I lost Ian (2010), I hated birthdays. I had no desire to celebrate my own and the people around me couldn't understand that. I had to force myself to put together a birthday party for Alexa that year. I like to think that each year is getting easier but I don't think it is. I think each year is just different. I still struggle with having no desire or motivation to host a party and I wait until the last minute to really get things planned and put together. The days surrounding the actual birthday and the party are still encountered with momentary bursts of emotion for what seems to be no apparent reason.
Last night while I was cleaning the gym...so many songs came on the radio that made me cry. Good thing I was alone. Haha. Someday by Rob Thomas stuck with me, this is the first verse:
You can go, you can start all over again
You could try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide, hold all your feelings inside
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry That says plenty about how I feel right now.
I am so happy to see her smiling and laughing and growing. She brings so much joy to my life. However, these last few days have been very emotional for me. I would say I'm not sure why but I have a few ideas as to what is contributing. One being Alexa's dad contacting her. I'm not angry with him anymore, I forgive him for his choices and actions but it makes me sad. It breaks my heart to see how excited Alexa gets from this package in the mail and then not another mention of her dad.
It really broke my heart and made me question so many things when she said something yesterday. We were at a team bonding for her Cheer Team. As we were getting ready to leave, one of the girls had some pizza left and I made a comment about how she could wrap it up and take it home to daddy for a snack. Alexa was sitting in my lap and must have thought I was talking to her because she sat up quickly, looked at me and very sternly said, "I don't have a daddy!" My heart sank at that moment because she does have one but he chooses not to be in her life. And at this moment, I choose not to go looking for a replacement. First because I am not looking for a man to be my daughter's father. I want someone in my life that is a partner to me. Someone that chooses to be a part of both our lives.
Either way, I have been emotional and thinking about a lot of things. I know I made the right choice to leave Alexa's dad. I question if I am failing her as a parent. She loves to be around her grandparents and friends that have a mom and a dad. All I ever truly wanted in life was to have a family, a mom, a dad, and my children. Now I fear dating completely and I need to LET GO of that and continue to live my life. Allow myself to find and to have happiness. I need to stop punishing myself for trying to make a better life for my daughter.
Another reason for all the emotions...Birthdays are a trigger. Ian's birthday was also his death day. So as joyous as birthdays are, they are also a moment of mixed emotion for me. The year I lost Ian (2010), I hated birthdays. I had no desire to celebrate my own and the people around me couldn't understand that. I had to force myself to put together a birthday party for Alexa that year. I like to think that each year is getting easier but I don't think it is. I think each year is just different. I still struggle with having no desire or motivation to host a party and I wait until the last minute to really get things planned and put together. The days surrounding the actual birthday and the party are still encountered with momentary bursts of emotion for what seems to be no apparent reason.
Last night while I was cleaning the gym...so many songs came on the radio that made me cry. Good thing I was alone. Haha. Someday by Rob Thomas stuck with me, this is the first verse:
You can go, you can start all over again
You could try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide, hold all your feelings inside
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry That says plenty about how I feel right now.
Friday, November 9, 2012
5 Years!!!
It was a Friday 5 years ago when I woke up in the hospital to the nurse and doctor prepping me to be induced. I had a mix of emotions that day...I was nervous, scared, excited, happy, and more. After a day filled with an epidural, petosin, and killer contractions, I was ready to welcome my little princess into the World.
It was 2:53pm. I pushed for roughly 45 minutes and she arrived. She was 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 21" long. She had brown hair and looked perfect. I fell in love with her instantly. How could I not?
Every minute of every day I love her more. She is an amazing little girl that teaches me so much about myself and about life.
5 years later...Alexa Grace is now in Kindergarten. She is in her second season of competitive cheer leading and she is active in gymnastics. She is smart and beautiful. I couldn't ask for a better child...thank you for choosing me to be your mom.
Now...let's talk about the part of her birthday that frustrates me. Her dad. He has not seen her in, ohhhhh, almost 2 years. Yes, I said 2 YEARS. No phone calls, no cards or letters in the mail, and no exercising of his visitation, AND no child support. But he sends a gift on for her birthday. Really? How nice of him, right? Barf. Wrong. How rude of him!? Must be nice to be a parent that can drop in as you like. I know it shouldn't frustrate me but it does. I'm glad that she was excited to get something for her dad and that is truly all that matters. But it annoys the crap out of me. Hear from you next year.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEXA GRACE!!!
I LOVE YOU PRINCESS!!! YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!!!
It was 2:53pm. I pushed for roughly 45 minutes and she arrived. She was 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 21" long. She had brown hair and looked perfect. I fell in love with her instantly. How could I not?
Every minute of every day I love her more. She is an amazing little girl that teaches me so much about myself and about life.
5 years later...Alexa Grace is now in Kindergarten. She is in her second season of competitive cheer leading and she is active in gymnastics. She is smart and beautiful. I couldn't ask for a better child...thank you for choosing me to be your mom.
Now...let's talk about the part of her birthday that frustrates me. Her dad. He has not seen her in, ohhhhh, almost 2 years. Yes, I said 2 YEARS. No phone calls, no cards or letters in the mail, and no exercising of his visitation, AND no child support. But he sends a gift on for her birthday. Really? How nice of him, right? Barf. Wrong. How rude of him!? Must be nice to be a parent that can drop in as you like. I know it shouldn't frustrate me but it does. I'm glad that she was excited to get something for her dad and that is truly all that matters. But it annoys the crap out of me. Hear from you next year.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEXA GRACE!!!
I LOVE YOU PRINCESS!!! YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!!!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
WOW - 2 Years Time
Oh my goodness...it has been over two years since I last posted.
I had created this blog so that I could use it as an outlet to express my feelings and share my ups and downs on the journey that is my life. Somewhere along the way I started worrying what everyone might think or that I might be judged and I stopped sharing. I shut down.
I should back up, I shut down long before that. I shut down after losing Ian in January of 2010. I turned off emotionally and was living my life on the surface. I was being strong for Alexa because I thought that is what I needed to do. I realized that I wasn't just being strong for her...I was being strong for me too because I didn't know how to handle it all.
The last two years have been spent learning how to live my life again. I lost a child, my baby boy. Then I jumped into a divorce, almost immediately. I spent all my time and energy trying to be "normal" or feel "normal." That is a feeling that will never exist for me. Some days are great days, good days, fine days, and some just suck. But every day, I have an amazing little girl that makes me smile and reminds me why I have fought so hard for the last two years.
And guess what!? Tomorrow is my little Mini Me's 5th birthday! I have mixed emotions about this day. I can vividly remember giving birth to all 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 21 inches of her. She was beautiful and is even more so today. I am more in love with her every day. She amazes me and teaches me so much.
The other day I had a complete break down while taking her to daycare. Alexa was telling me a story about one of the kids at daycare. It was a simple story about him asking for help with his shoes. The words she used to describe the situation triggered an immediate thought...she would have made a great big sister to Ian. The moment that thought entered my head I started to cry. I was able to keep it together while I dropped her off but that thought was still with me and stayed with me. My little girl is getting bigger and I love seeing her grow. My little man is with us in spirit but I miss not being able to see him grow.
I had created this blog so that I could use it as an outlet to express my feelings and share my ups and downs on the journey that is my life. Somewhere along the way I started worrying what everyone might think or that I might be judged and I stopped sharing. I shut down.
I should back up, I shut down long before that. I shut down after losing Ian in January of 2010. I turned off emotionally and was living my life on the surface. I was being strong for Alexa because I thought that is what I needed to do. I realized that I wasn't just being strong for her...I was being strong for me too because I didn't know how to handle it all.
The last two years have been spent learning how to live my life again. I lost a child, my baby boy. Then I jumped into a divorce, almost immediately. I spent all my time and energy trying to be "normal" or feel "normal." That is a feeling that will never exist for me. Some days are great days, good days, fine days, and some just suck. But every day, I have an amazing little girl that makes me smile and reminds me why I have fought so hard for the last two years.
And guess what!? Tomorrow is my little Mini Me's 5th birthday! I have mixed emotions about this day. I can vividly remember giving birth to all 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 21 inches of her. She was beautiful and is even more so today. I am more in love with her every day. She amazes me and teaches me so much.
The other day I had a complete break down while taking her to daycare. Alexa was telling me a story about one of the kids at daycare. It was a simple story about him asking for help with his shoes. The words she used to describe the situation triggered an immediate thought...she would have made a great big sister to Ian. The moment that thought entered my head I started to cry. I was able to keep it together while I dropped her off but that thought was still with me and stayed with me. My little girl is getting bigger and I love seeing her grow. My little man is with us in spirit but I miss not being able to see him grow.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
It's been a while
Time sure does fly...
This year has had so many ups and down and back agains, it seriously has felt like 5 years crammed into 1.
A quick update.
The divorce was final on September 28th thanks to a lawyer that called in a favor and got us on the docket early. It was a great surprise when I got the email saying, "I got you divorced today." It is now October, my name has changed, I'm buying a house, going back to school, and enjoying every moment I have with my Stinker Bell Princess.
I will try to be more active on my blog with updates of cute phrases, fun stories and crazy adventures that we go on.
This year has had so many ups and down and back agains, it seriously has felt like 5 years crammed into 1.
A quick update.
The divorce was final on September 28th thanks to a lawyer that called in a favor and got us on the docket early. It was a great surprise when I got the email saying, "I got you divorced today." It is now October, my name has changed, I'm buying a house, going back to school, and enjoying every moment I have with my Stinker Bell Princess.
I will try to be more active on my blog with updates of cute phrases, fun stories and crazy adventures that we go on.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Pirate Day
It was Saturday morning...July 3rd. Alexa and I started the morning with a movie. Peter Pan: Return to Neverland. Okay, I can't say I really watched the movie but I laid on the couch with her while she watched it and I caught a few more minutes of shut eye.
Once the movie was over, we started our own adventure. I broke out the newspaper and we made our very own pirate hats. Then we created a treasure map. I found some loose change in my purse and put it in a plastic container and hid it outside.
Off we went, donned in our pirate hats and our treasure map in hand. We strolled around the dark, mysterious, metallic pond before making our way through the hollyhock jungle. Once we fought our way past the giant killer bees we thought we were in the clear. Boy were we wrong. Alexa took a bad step and got caught in some serious quick sand. It took everything I had to pull her out. We were exhausted and by no means were we close to finding our treasure. Climbing the rocky mountain side was probably the easiest part of our journey. Alexa is quite the skilled climber. We were getting closer. Just one more obstacle and we were safe...the alligator swamp. Thankfully those little buggers were sleeping so we were able to jump right over them. We had made it. Now, to find where the "X" marked the spot. It seemed like it would be so easy after all we had already gone through. It was Alexa that found the "X" and the buried treasure.
It was a great day. We had a few more treasure hunts that Alexa navigated us through...then we were off to spend time with friends and family throughout the 4th of July weekend.
Once the movie was over, we started our own adventure. I broke out the newspaper and we made our very own pirate hats. Then we created a treasure map. I found some loose change in my purse and put it in a plastic container and hid it outside.
Off we went, donned in our pirate hats and our treasure map in hand. We strolled around the dark, mysterious, metallic pond before making our way through the hollyhock jungle. Once we fought our way past the giant killer bees we thought we were in the clear. Boy were we wrong. Alexa took a bad step and got caught in some serious quick sand. It took everything I had to pull her out. We were exhausted and by no means were we close to finding our treasure. Climbing the rocky mountain side was probably the easiest part of our journey. Alexa is quite the skilled climber. We were getting closer. Just one more obstacle and we were safe...the alligator swamp. Thankfully those little buggers were sleeping so we were able to jump right over them. We had made it. Now, to find where the "X" marked the spot. It seemed like it would be so easy after all we had already gone through. It was Alexa that found the "X" and the buried treasure.
It was a great day. We had a few more treasure hunts that Alexa navigated us through...then we were off to spend time with friends and family throughout the 4th of July weekend.
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