I am so appreciative and grateful for the family and friends that I have. I mean the real friends...you know which ones you are. ;) ;) I have had so much help and support and love from them - there are no words or actions that could even come close to showing my gratitude.
I have been through so much this year and I try to be strong or put on a strong front. If it weren't for all of you...I wouldn't have made it through all the ups and downs of 2010.
So a big, huge, giant hug to each and every one of you.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Awkward and Frustrated
I don't even know where to start. It is so frustrating when people you thought were your friends...aren't or maybe never really were. I felt so awkward today.
Today was visitation day. I truly appreciate the people who have offered to help us out by supervising the visits between Alexa and her dad. These people probably have better things to do then open up their homes and their time to supervise a visit. That much, I appreciate...the fact that these mutual friends aren't really mutual friends anymore...is frustrating. These people who tell me they don't take sides when the obviously have...is frustrating. I felt so awkward when I went to pick Alexa up and this wasn't the first time. The feeling you get when you walk into some one's home and they can't look at you and can barely say hello...it feels like shit. It hurts.
I understand that the men who are still friends with Todd may feel uncomfortable...but do they barely look at him? Do they say more then two words to him? Or is it just me?
There are two sides to every story and part of me wants to them all the truth. But do I really need to justify myself to anyone? I shouldn't have to and I don't have to. I just have to get past my issues of being worried about what other people think of me. If they want to judge me based on hearsay versus my behavior and treatment of them directly...well, that's their problem.
My side of the story matters but my side of the story will not define me. I will not justify my actions to anyone. The only thing that matters...
I realized that I deserved to be happy, to be respected, and to be loved and that had to start with me doing those things for me. That alone will make me a better mother to Alexa.
Today was visitation day. I truly appreciate the people who have offered to help us out by supervising the visits between Alexa and her dad. These people probably have better things to do then open up their homes and their time to supervise a visit. That much, I appreciate...the fact that these mutual friends aren't really mutual friends anymore...is frustrating. These people who tell me they don't take sides when the obviously have...is frustrating. I felt so awkward when I went to pick Alexa up and this wasn't the first time. The feeling you get when you walk into some one's home and they can't look at you and can barely say hello...it feels like shit. It hurts.
I understand that the men who are still friends with Todd may feel uncomfortable...but do they barely look at him? Do they say more then two words to him? Or is it just me?
There are two sides to every story and part of me wants to them all the truth. But do I really need to justify myself to anyone? I shouldn't have to and I don't have to. I just have to get past my issues of being worried about what other people think of me. If they want to judge me based on hearsay versus my behavior and treatment of them directly...well, that's their problem.
My side of the story matters but my side of the story will not define me. I will not justify my actions to anyone. The only thing that matters...
I realized that I deserved to be happy, to be respected, and to be loved and that had to start with me doing those things for me. That alone will make me a better mother to Alexa.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
A Full House
Dogs, dogs, dogs, and more dogs...oh, and throw in a Stinker Bell. You add all that up and it equals a balding mom needing adult sedation. I gladly would have traded Chinese torture for the evening I spent with 4 small dogs and a screaming stinker bell at bedtime.
My sister's dogs (Abby and Dexter) are having a weekend sleepover with Gigi and Griffen. I swear these 4 dogs are like 4 toddlers that don't know how to share and get jealous when the attention isn't on them. I really don't see much of a difference. Griffen is the oldest...not by much but he's the old man of the house and would prefer to just be left alone. Dexter is fairly quiet but tries to establish his dominance by humping all the other dogs and cowers like he's in trouble every time you say his name. Gigi, she's the smallest and definitely has that jealous, only child syndrome going on...she's trying to establish that alpha dog by bullying all the bigger dogs, including the puppy. Abby, she's the adorable baby but still bigger in size then Gigi or at least looks it. Abby is like the little fat kid at camp that gets bullied and scared easily. The moment the three older dogs go running outside, barking...Abby starts squealing, that super high pitch squeal, like someone just football kicked her across the room. Deafening.
So...while the dogs were barking, playing, running, humping, and just being dogs, I managed to get Alexa wrangled into her bedroom to start the bedtime routine. We read our book "Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You," together and then did rock a bye baby and twinkle twinkle little star. It was time for nigh-nigh. She fought sleep as usual, wanted Grandpa, and cried for a drink of water. Just as I finally got her calmed down and almost asleep...those damn dogs start barking at the dark. Their barks not only startled me but scared Abby into hysteria. I jumped up and went to check things out. Abby was cowering in the corner whimpering and squealing that God awful squeal. Of course...Alexa was awake again. GREAT. Now I have to start this freakin 30-45 minute bedtime routine all over again. Ugh.
It finally ended...stinker bell was asleep, the dogs were resting, and I could relax. Hhhaaaa...enter Grandma and Grandpa...wait for it, wait for it....yup the dogs are back at it...full steam ahead. I need some ear plugs.
My sister's dogs (Abby and Dexter) are having a weekend sleepover with Gigi and Griffen. I swear these 4 dogs are like 4 toddlers that don't know how to share and get jealous when the attention isn't on them. I really don't see much of a difference. Griffen is the oldest...not by much but he's the old man of the house and would prefer to just be left alone. Dexter is fairly quiet but tries to establish his dominance by humping all the other dogs and cowers like he's in trouble every time you say his name. Gigi, she's the smallest and definitely has that jealous, only child syndrome going on...she's trying to establish that alpha dog by bullying all the bigger dogs, including the puppy. Abby, she's the adorable baby but still bigger in size then Gigi or at least looks it. Abby is like the little fat kid at camp that gets bullied and scared easily. The moment the three older dogs go running outside, barking...Abby starts squealing, that super high pitch squeal, like someone just football kicked her across the room. Deafening.
So...while the dogs were barking, playing, running, humping, and just being dogs, I managed to get Alexa wrangled into her bedroom to start the bedtime routine. We read our book "Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You," together and then did rock a bye baby and twinkle twinkle little star. It was time for nigh-nigh. She fought sleep as usual, wanted Grandpa, and cried for a drink of water. Just as I finally got her calmed down and almost asleep...those damn dogs start barking at the dark. Their barks not only startled me but scared Abby into hysteria. I jumped up and went to check things out. Abby was cowering in the corner whimpering and squealing that God awful squeal. Of course...Alexa was awake again. GREAT. Now I have to start this freakin 30-45 minute bedtime routine all over again. Ugh.
It finally ended...stinker bell was asleep, the dogs were resting, and I could relax. Hhhaaaa...enter Grandma and Grandpa...wait for it, wait for it....yup the dogs are back at it...full steam ahead. I need some ear plugs.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
An Evening Alone...
My evening was interesting. My step mom has been in Vegas this week and last night my dad had to go to the sleep lab for the night.
For those of you who don't know...I have more recently moved back home with my daughter, Alexa, while my pending divorce gets finalized.
I was thinking, yippee, the house to myself. The only problem, I forgot I don't like being alone in the house at night - after dark more specifically. But I did okay...I put Alexa to bed and then I got cozy in bed and read for a while before calling it a night. Everything seemed to be flowing smoothly until Alexa woke up at 1:30am, screaming.
Startled and half asleep, I jumped out of bed to figure out what was wrong. She doesn't typically wake up in the middle of the night unless she has to go to the bathroom or has already had an accident in her bed. Nope...the blood curdling screams of terror were all for a drink of water. A drink of water??? That's it? I got her a drink of water and commenced trying to get her wrangled back into bed. Of course, she wanted to go into my bed. It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm exhausted...I'm not fighting this one, okay, crawl into bed with me. Bad idea. Nothing was making this kid happy...stinker bell (her alter ego) had emerged. I managed to pull her up off the floor from the space she had wedged herself into between the bed and the wall. Back to her bedroom we go, and her own bed.
Alexa was laying there peacefully and I was rubbing her back when all of a sudden I heard this high pitched, evil giggle and "Elmo needs a good stretch." My heart was racing and I was ready for a fight, with who I wasn't sure. Gigi (the dog) must have tried playing with the damn Elmo doll and it started making noises. Of course, Alexa heard Elmo and now she wanted me to go get it for her. What??? Go out into the dark living room, alone, to get that evil little doll...I'll pass.
Okay, I can't show my child that I'm scared of Elmo or the dark...so I took a deep breath, stood up and I went and got it. I wasn't sure what to expect but I knew there were 3 critters running around the house, making noises, it was dark, and I was scared and trying to put on a brave front. By this point, I have had enough.
It's now 2am...I decide to just pull Alexa back into bed with me and of course Gigi (Schnoodle) and Griffen (Shih tzu) follow. The four of us are packed like sardines into my queen size bed...it's like I'm a magnet pulling all three of them close to me...might as well prepare to wake up with a kink cause you know its coming.
For those of you who don't know...I have more recently moved back home with my daughter, Alexa, while my pending divorce gets finalized.
I was thinking, yippee, the house to myself. The only problem, I forgot I don't like being alone in the house at night - after dark more specifically. But I did okay...I put Alexa to bed and then I got cozy in bed and read for a while before calling it a night. Everything seemed to be flowing smoothly until Alexa woke up at 1:30am, screaming.
Startled and half asleep, I jumped out of bed to figure out what was wrong. She doesn't typically wake up in the middle of the night unless she has to go to the bathroom or has already had an accident in her bed. Nope...the blood curdling screams of terror were all for a drink of water. A drink of water??? That's it? I got her a drink of water and commenced trying to get her wrangled back into bed. Of course, she wanted to go into my bed. It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm exhausted...I'm not fighting this one, okay, crawl into bed with me. Bad idea. Nothing was making this kid happy...stinker bell (her alter ego) had emerged. I managed to pull her up off the floor from the space she had wedged herself into between the bed and the wall. Back to her bedroom we go, and her own bed.
Alexa was laying there peacefully and I was rubbing her back when all of a sudden I heard this high pitched, evil giggle and "Elmo needs a good stretch." My heart was racing and I was ready for a fight, with who I wasn't sure. Gigi (the dog) must have tried playing with the damn Elmo doll and it started making noises. Of course, Alexa heard Elmo and now she wanted me to go get it for her. What??? Go out into the dark living room, alone, to get that evil little doll...I'll pass.
Okay, I can't show my child that I'm scared of Elmo or the dark...so I took a deep breath, stood up and I went and got it. I wasn't sure what to expect but I knew there were 3 critters running around the house, making noises, it was dark, and I was scared and trying to put on a brave front. By this point, I have had enough.
It's now 2am...I decide to just pull Alexa back into bed with me and of course Gigi (Schnoodle) and Griffen (Shih tzu) follow. The four of us are packed like sardines into my queen size bed...it's like I'm a magnet pulling all three of them close to me...might as well prepare to wake up with a kink cause you know its coming.
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