Awkward and Frustrated

I don't even know where to start.  It is so frustrating when people you thought were your friends...aren't or maybe never really were.  I felt so awkward today. 

Today was visitation day.  I truly appreciate the people who have offered to help us out by supervising the visits between Alexa and her dad.  These people probably have better things to do then open up their homes and their time to supervise a visit.  That much, I appreciate...the fact that these mutual friends aren't really mutual friends anymore...is frustrating.  These people who tell me they don't take sides when the obviously have...is frustrating.  I felt so awkward when I went to pick Alexa up and this wasn't the first time.  The feeling you get when you walk into some one's home and they can't look at you and can barely say hello...it feels like shit.  It hurts.

I understand that the men who are still friends with Todd may feel uncomfortable...but do they barely look at him?  Do they say more then two words to him?  Or is it just me? 

There are two sides to every story and part of me wants to them all the truth.  But do I really need to justify myself to anyone?  I shouldn't have to and I don't have to.  I just have to get past my issues of being worried about what other people think of me.  If they want to judge me based on hearsay versus my behavior and treatment of them directly...well, that's their problem.   

My side of the story matters but my side of the story will not define me.  I will not justify my actions to anyone.  The only thing that matters...

I realized that I deserved to be happy, to be respected, and to be loved and that had to start with me doing those things for me.  That alone will make me a better mother to Alexa.