Oh my goodness...it has been over two years since I last posted.
I had created this blog so that I could use it as an outlet to express my feelings and share my ups and downs on the journey that is my life. Somewhere along the way I started worrying what everyone might think or that I might be judged and I stopped sharing. I shut down.
I should back up, I shut down long before that. I shut down after losing Ian in January of 2010. I turned off emotionally and was living my life on the surface. I was being strong for Alexa because I thought that is what I needed to do. I realized that I wasn't just being strong for her...I was being strong for me too because I didn't know how to handle it all.
The last two years have been spent learning how to live my life again. I lost a child, my baby boy. Then I jumped into a divorce, almost immediately. I spent all my time and energy trying to be "normal" or feel "normal." That is a feeling that will never exist for me. Some days are great days, good days, fine days, and some just suck. But every day, I have an amazing little girl that makes me smile and reminds me why I have fought so hard for the last two years.
And guess what!? Tomorrow is my little Mini Me's 5th birthday! I have mixed emotions about this day. I can vividly remember giving birth to all 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 21 inches of her. She was beautiful and is even more so today. I am more in love with her every day. She amazes me and teaches me so much.
The other day I had a complete break down while taking her to daycare. Alexa was telling me a story about one of the kids at daycare. It was a simple story about him asking for help with his shoes. The words she used to describe the situation triggered an immediate thought...she would have made a great big sister to Ian. The moment that thought entered my head I started to cry. I was able to keep it together while I dropped her off but that thought was still with me and stayed with me. My little girl is getting bigger and I love seeing her grow. My little man is with us in spirit but I miss not being able to see him grow.
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