Family

Well, it is the holiday season so Family is something that is thought about.  Coming together.  A question keeps coming up for me about family...gotta love them, right?  Or do you?  I feel that I chose my family long before I entered this world.  I'm not entirely sure the reasons or lessons behind that but I did choose them as my family.  But does that mean that I have to continue to put up with them and love them unconditionally?  There are days I'm torn because of different behaviors and comments and judgements I get from them.  Is it me?  Is it them?  I don't know.

I do know this.  Some of them lack common courtesy.  As you know, Alexa's birthday was last weekend.  I appreciate that my brother and sister showed up to the party.  That was nice of them.  The part I struggle with and its probably not a big deal but it bothered me is a simple common courtesy.  My brother didn't even say hello to me and he definitely didn't say good-bye.  I'm not sure if he said anything to Alexa.  I did get to see my nephew, hold him, and sneak a few kisses on his little cheeks.  So I am grateful for that.  The next day, Sunday, I sent my brother a text message to tell him Thank You for his service to Our Country and to thank him for coming to the birthday party.  It's been 3 days and I still haven't gotten a response and I know I never will.  That makes me feel very much unimportant. 
On this same topic, my sister also left the party early and didn't say good bye.  That hurts my feelings.  Am I not important enough to her either to say good-bye to?  I knew she was driving to Seattle and I would have liked to talk to her before she left...to tell her to drive safe and to call me if she needed to talk to someone along the drive.  But nope, she just left.  Didn't say bye to Alexa either.  Of course, Alexa notices but isn't really effected by it, however, I am.  Similarly, I'll send a text and it is 50/50 on whether or not I get a response.  And the responses I do get are vague and usually don't address the question I asked.  Apparently sharing with me isn't something she wants to do.  That's fine...just say that.  Oh...wait, there was a time she did say something like that.  She said that she doesn't mind sharing but not when she's questioned.  Well, how do you know that I care enough to know if I don't ask?  Lose/lose for me. 

It may all seem petty but it effects me.  It's a common courtesy in my mind.  I'm sure my family doesn't mean anything by it but this is how I am and this upsets me.  I'm pretty sure if I brought up my feelings about it I would be told that I am being too sensitive or similar.  Maybe I am.  But I also have years of various treatment and judgement that adds to it all.  Like telling me how poor my choices are in men, as if I hadn't noticed myself.  I get criticized for something like that and then they treat me just as harshly and these loser men.  Seems fair. 
I still love my family and I always will, regardless of how they treat me.  I feel like the "black sheep" of the family most of the time.  I don't really feel included even though I do get invited to family functions.  It's the little things in between...the communication doesn't exist.  Sometimes I wonder if some of it has to do with my status (single mom and bastard child)...my brother is married and has his little family and my sister is single.  I don't really fit into either category.  A majority of the times that Alexa and I spend with her grandparents are because I'm making the phone calls and arrangements. 

Maybe its the season.  Maybe its a combination of different emotions being stirred up.  I don't know.  But I feel like pulling away completely.  It's hard to do that because Alexa loves them all SO much and asks about them daily.  I feel relationships are a two way street...it helps to meet in the middle but there are times you have to do most of the walking to meet them.  I'm just tired of doing all the walking or so it feels.  So at this moment, feelings hurt, frustration growing...I'm throwing my hand's up and letting go.  I want so badly to have strong, close, loving relationships with these people and they don't seem to want the same.  I love you all and hope and pray that some day you can care about me as much as I care about you.