Alexa's birthday party went great. She was excited to have a pool party with her friends and to get all those presents and to have a Barbie Fairy cake with the correct number of candles. Yes, last year I forgot to get candles for her cake and used a number 3 candle. She definitely noticed and hasn't let me live it down all year. So this year she had 5 candles to blow out.
I am so happy to see her smiling and laughing and growing. She brings so much joy to my life. However, these last few days have been very emotional for me. I would say I'm not sure why but I have a few ideas as to what is contributing. One being Alexa's dad contacting her. I'm not angry with him anymore, I forgive him for his choices and actions but it makes me sad. It breaks my heart to see how excited Alexa gets from this package in the mail and then not another mention of her dad.
It really broke my heart and made me question so many things when she said something yesterday. We were at a team bonding for her Cheer Team. As we were getting ready to leave, one of the girls had some pizza left and I made a comment about how she could wrap it up and take it home to daddy for a snack. Alexa was sitting in my lap and must have thought I was talking to her because she sat up quickly, looked at me and very sternly said, "I don't have a daddy!" My heart sank at that moment because she does have one but he chooses not to be in her life. And at this moment, I choose not to go looking for a replacement. First because I am not looking for a man to be my daughter's father. I want someone in my life that is a partner to me. Someone that chooses to be a part of both our lives.
Either way, I have been emotional and thinking about a lot of things. I know I made the right choice to leave Alexa's dad. I question if I am failing her as a parent. She loves to be around her grandparents and friends that have a mom and a dad. All I ever truly wanted in life was to have a family, a mom, a dad, and my children. Now I fear dating completely and I need to LET GO of that and continue to live my life. Allow myself to find and to have happiness. I need to stop punishing myself for trying to make a better life for my daughter.
Another reason for all the emotions...Birthdays are a trigger. Ian's birthday was also his death day. So as joyous as birthdays are, they are also a moment of mixed emotion for me. The year I lost Ian (2010), I hated birthdays. I had no desire to celebrate my own and the people around me couldn't understand that. I had to force myself to put together a birthday party for Alexa that year. I like to think that each year is getting easier but I don't think it is. I think each year is just different. I still struggle with having no desire or motivation to host a party and I wait until the last minute to really get things planned and put together. The days surrounding the actual birthday and the party are still encountered with momentary bursts of emotion for what seems to be no apparent reason.
Last night while I was cleaning the gym...so many songs came on the radio that made me cry. Good thing I was alone. Haha. Someday by Rob Thomas stuck with me, this is the first verse:
You can go, you can start all over again
You could try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide, hold all your feelings inside
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry That says plenty about how I feel right now.
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